Baseball's biggest waste of money

The Yankees and their $200 million payroll were sent home yesterday by the Detroit Tigers. It was priceless seeing the dejected looks of all the Yankee players towards the end of the game. George Steinbrenner will surely go nuts after this latest collapse, with Joe Torre apparently the first to go.

R.E.M. happenings

Last week, R.E.M. was inducted into the Georgia Music Hall of Fame, and ex-drummer Bill Berry rejoined the band for a three-song set. Bill has been sorely missed since he left R.E.M. in 1998, and I've always hoped that he would rejoin the band before all is said and done. Good to see them back together for at least a little while.

I also happened to miss this article in which Mike Mills says that the next R.E.M. record will rock more, which is certainly good news.

Here is a review of the new R.E.M. compilation I Feel Fine.

My apologies for taking a bit of a summer hiatus from blogging, I'll try to keep this a little more updated in the coming weeks.

Pirates of the Caribbean

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest



I finally saw the movie that's made a billion dollars at the box office during the past two weeks. The new Pirates flick was solid, enjoyable but almost excruciatingly long at two and a half hours. Johnny Depp delivers another entertaining turn as Jack Sparrow,and while the action scenes were entertaining, almost every sequence went on for five minutes longer than needed. There's no reason this movie couldn't have been 30 minutes shorter, making it better in the process.

So far, the first is the better of the two, but I'll be looking forward to the next installment next summer.

Superman Returns

Superman Returns



I took in Superman Returns this past weekend with some anticipation, especially since it has been fairly well reviewed. I came away somewhat disappointed, as the second half of the movie dragged on after a promising start. The script seemed to fall apart after the Kryptonite island entered the plot, and the running time was far too long. Also, Kate Bosworth wasn't very convincing as Lois Lane.

It will be interesting to see what the sequels hold, especially since we are introduced to the son of Superman (an underdeveloped plotline which wasn't handled well by the writers). Batman is where it's at in terms of the superhero genre now that Batman Begins has re-energized the franchise.

Hope everyone had a great 4th!

Chessboxing? Are you kidding me??

I was perplexed to check out ESPN.com today and see that a sport called chessboxing was featured on the front page. You're got to be kidding, right? Leave it to the Europeans to come up with a ridiculous sport.

The rules of the "sport" are as follows:

Two competitors face each other in 11 alternating rounds, six of chess, five of boxing. A bout begins with chess, which is played on a board placed directly in the middle of the ring. Each round of chess lasts four minutes. After each chess round, the bell sounds, and workmen remove the chessboard for a two-minute round of boxing, the gloves go back on, the punching recommences. Participants win by way of knockout, checkmate, referee's decision, or if his opponent exceeds the allotted total of 12 minutes for an entire match on the chessboard.

I have to admit, as skeptical as I am of chessboxing, and as much as I am wondering if this is some sort of prank, the idea of watching some dude take out his chess frustrations out in the form of physical violence grows on you. "You just made me your bitch when you took out my queen, now I'm going to knock you unconscious!"

The amount of interest in these alternative sports is intriguing; just the other day, ESPN2 had a televised World Domino Tournament. Considering every player came from North America or the Caribbean, I wasn't exactly sure how the winners could claim to be the best of the world. The top prize was for a paltry $30,000 or so, which pales in comparison to the prize pools for televised poker tournaments, which fall into the same basic category of programming.

The games almost always draw spectators, so perhaps it is no surprise that the ESPN sports network has declared dominoes the next big spectator sport...

Domino matches "almost always" draw spectators? Sounds like a great reason to throw tons of money at a game few people play. Can't wait to see what the geniuses at ESPN throw at us next.

NBA Champs

"i clearly don't belong anywhere near here," says a hideously out of place Jason Williams (cracker in the lower left corner) surrounded by other players who actually made meaningful contributions to Miami's title run.

Congrats to the Miami Heat for winning the NBA Championship in 6 games over the Dallas Mavericks.

This fourth ring vindicates Shaquille O'Neal, who has brought home the championship he promised Miami fans two years ago when he arrived to the Heat from the Lakers. This further makes Kobe Bryant - one of my most hated sports figures - look bad, since the Lakers have gone downhill ever since the Big Aristotle bolted for greener pastures.

Will Ferrell: Comic Genius

One of my friends just pointed out that the trailer for the new Will Ferrell movie, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, is up and available here. It comes out in August, and it looks like NASCAR and redneck humor will be a winning combination.

Ferrell is one of those rare comedians who makes me laugh just by looking at him. He's also provided some of the funniest supporting characters for the big screen in recent memory.

For some weekend laughs, here's Ferrell doing the classic cowbell Blue Oyster Cult skit. Happy Friday.

Top 5 Will Ferrell Movie Characters

1. Ron Burgundy in Anchorman
2. Frank the Tank in Old School
3. Jacobin Mugatu in Zoolander
4. Chas Reinhold in Wedding Crashers
5. Big Gay Earl in Starsky and Hutch

Sports Morons of the Week

Who pulled the dumber stunt: Ben Roethlisberger almost killing himself in a motorcycle crash, or J.J. Redick getting arrested for a DWI just weeks before his biggest payday in the NBA Draft?

let's go USA

Update: 3-0 loss in the opener to the Czech Republic as the U.S. looks bad. Ouch.

gearing up for the World Cup

The greatest sporting event in the world is set to begin tomorrow, June 9.

The U.S. team, faced with a tough draw but fielding perhaps its best team ever, will open against the Czech Republic. (ESPN preview)

The issue for the U.S. is that historically they have never fared well in Europe. Here's to a good showing for the American squad.

-------------

My only problem with soccer players is that they can be a little too flamboyant. Too much acting and crying after fouls, and too many pretty boys, such as some of the dudes below.

I figured I would get in the World Cup flow by analyzing some of the more ridiculous hair cuts in recent soccer history, focusing on several prominent players who rock long hair, often to disastrous effect.

Long hair is certainly a gamble for any heterosexual male. For soccer players, nothing looks worse than getting beat by a striker when you're a fullback or whiffing on an easy chance as a scorer, except for when you do it with stupid looking hair. It takes a certain talent to pull off the look without coming off as a pansy - you have to be a badass or suffer the consequences. The sport of soccer has provided many overly confident dudes who have been more than willing to give it a shot.

Here are some of my favorites and commentary:

David Beckham

Ah, Becks. You have to start off with one of the most recognizable sports figures and celebrities in the entire world. Females everywhere worship this man and his various haircuts. As a soccer player, he is vastly overrated, despite his sick left foot on set plays.

With that being said, Beckham is guilty of showcasing some of the most awful looking hair you'll ever see. I've never understood why this guy doesn't leave his bitchy Spice Girl wife when he's in the prime of his life and could hit any one of what must be a billion hotter hotties, but to each his own.

final analysis of the hair: UNCOOL

Francesco Totti

Totti is a badass. One of the best players in the world, Totti easily pulls off the long-haired look. I would love to be this guy. Exhibit A is just below, as Totti seduces the ladies with ease. Normally Italian soccer players are too full of themselves for their own good, but Totti backs everything up with stellar play and goals. Don't mess with Totti.

final analysis of the hair: VERY COOL

Alexi Lalas

I'm torn on this one. A posterboy for U.S. and MLS soccer in the mid-nineties, Lalas was easily found by looking for his freakishly orange and disheveled hair and absurd goatee. Lalas was on the Best Damn Sports Show Period a couple nights ago, and the funny thing is, he looks completely normal and respectable cleanly shaven and with short hair.

In the end, I have to give the guy props for making himself look like a clown and still managing to play decently.

final analysis of the hair: COOL (beard seals it)

Marcelo Balboa

Every time I see Balboa commentating on ESPN2, I cringe. He looked bad enough in 1994 when the U.S. team overachieved in the World Cup, but you would think 10 years later, after retiring, that he would take a clue from his teammate Alexi and get rid of the ridiculous hair. Doesn't he have a daughter that loves him? What about shame? The sport will not be taken seriously in this country until this clown finally gets a haircut.

final analysis of the hair: VERY UNCOOL

Carlos Valderrama

The Clown Prince of Soccer. The 90's sure featured alot of long-locked futbol players. This Ronald-McDonald-on-crack looking dude was always the center of attention thanks to his ridiculous fro masterpiece. Anybody that risks potentially damning their family names for centuries deserves some credit for the gall. Props to this eccentric Colombian.

final analysis of the hair: CIRCUS FREAK SHOW COOL

Jeff Agoos

Fuck you, Jeff Agoos. Another older player retired from the ranks, Agoos came off looking like a Steven Seagal clone, except whereas Seagal could kick a lot of ass when you get down to it, Agoos kicks NO ONE'S ass, especially in the 2002 World Cup during which he almost single-handedly led to the destruction of the U.S. defense. He would let attackers beat him and get past him almost as easily as the joke of a French Army allowed the German Blitzkreig to storm Paris in World War II. I would get so mad at this guy watching him cost my team, and his stupid looking hair did nothing but make me more furious.

final analysis of the hair: OFFENSIVELY UNCOOL

World Cup

more to come...

just because you believe God exists...

... doesn't mean you should be stupid around wild animals.

I would have loved to have been in the crowd when some idiot entered the lions cage in a Kiev zoo and was mauled to death.

From the news article: "The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.
"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

Maybe the Devil was out a day early, since today is 6-6-06. Speaking of which, I was looking forward to the remake of The Omen, which comes out this week, but early reviews are fairly negative. Good horror flicks are tough to come by.

May you have a Satan-free day!

Verdict: Scientology is dumb.

Some may have heard recently that a South Park episode was pulled from Comedy Central and the dude who does Chef's voice quit because the creators of the show, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, parodied Scientology in a recent episode.

The Chef's voice actor (Isaac Hayes) quit because he's a Scientologist and refused to be a part of something that poked fun at his own religion, despite a show with 150-odd episodes that has harshly lampooned every conceivable subset of global culture. This is a guy who's first album was entitled "Black Moses" and who was featured on at least one Wu-Tang CD.

Comedy Central pulled the episode from rotation because Tom Cruise, a "renowned" Scientologist and royal fuckass, threatened to not publicize his upcoming third take on Mission Impossible. Maybe this time they'll get it right. Funny that Comedy Central is owned by Viacom, which also owns Paramount, who is producing Mission Impossible 3. It's also ironic that Hollywood demonizes the cronyism in politics that it inexorably emulates. How hollow the ivory pillars of Hollywood are...

All of this might be understandable if Scientology were itself reputable as a religion or belief. In fact, were it just a belief it would be pathetic enough, but that it's considered a "religion" is simply incomprehensible.

But who am I to derogate another's beliefs without at least understanding them? So let's take a look.

As I am consulting Wikipedia, I have to mention that this is the third time now that I've needed to remind myself of the basic tenants of this religion; the reason for which you may understand by the end of this post.

Scientology was founded about 50 years ago, i.e. after World War II, by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard liked to write about spaceships, aliens, and the spirits of living things. Throughout his life, Hubbard stood in the shadows of good science-fiction writers like Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, and H. G. Wells (who conceived modern space rocketry). Unlike Wells, he thought he knew what was best for everyone, so he decided to gather all the weak-minded people he could find to believe in his creation story.

[Everything in quotations below refers to Hubbard's own words]

75 million years ago, the Galactic Emperor Xenu (though Hubbard also referred to him as "Xemu" and as "Zenu," perhaps it was a typo), feeling that his Galactic Empire was vastly overpopulated (~76 planets with 178 billion people each) shuttled billions of humans to Earth on intergalactic spacecraft that were exact copies of the modern day Douglas DC-8 aircraft, "except the DC-8 had fans, propellers on it and the space plane didn't." Note that DC-8's have turbine engines, not propellers.

The pretense under which the billions of people were brought to Earth by Xen(m)u was that all of these billions were called for "income tax inspections." Upon arrival for these inspections at their local city hall, Xen(m)u had psychiatrists paralyze every single person with a combination of alcohol and glycol (antifreeze). The populace was then loaded onto the somehow-retrofitted DC-8's and transported to Earth to be stacked around volcanoes and ultimately destroyed by detonating hydrogen bombs within the volcanoes - they were all detonated simultaneously, for dramatic effect, I suppose.

I'm not sure why Xen(m)u chose a plan with such logistical headaches when he could have just send everyone into a black hole, or a star, or space itself, but I guess Hubbard was just a fucking moron.

Xenu or Xemu

Upon the calamitous explosions on Earth, the souls of the people (now called thetans) were collected by Xen(m)u using a cosmic vacuum cleaner and then place into a movie theater to watch, for 36 days, a "three-D, super colossal motion picture." Huh. Apparently this movie was pretty bad, because it implanted "various misleading data" into the memories of the thetans, "which has to do with God, the Devil, space opera, etcetera." Hubbard also states that the interior design of all movie theaters to be due to this brain-washing (though souls don't have brains). This is particularly interesting, since movie theaters have changed drastically in the 90 years popular cinema has been around. In fact, movies didn't have sound until 1927. Sigh.

Xen(m)u's cosmic vacuum was clearly stolen by Mel Brooks in Spaceballs

What happened between this pointless holocaust 75 million years ago and today is flat-out uninterpretable, due in large part to ridiculous and inconsistent naming, anachronisms, and the total lack of an understanding of how to structure and convey a story in the English language.

I should add that all of this was preceded by the creation of the Universe 4 quadrillion years ago, or 300,000 times older than the current scientific consensus. In this creation myth Hubbard describes what essentially is a generic Dark Ages painting; lots of light, a chariot, and a cherub with a trumpet.

Fuck, this is wearing me out, it's just so godamn stupid.

Strangely, the Church of Scientology denies knowing about the whole Xen(m)u thing, and refrains from speaking about it at all costs. It's either because only the top level acolytes of Scientology (called "OTVII") are ready to learn about Xen(m)u, or that this inane, nonsensical, unorganized science fiction story would embarass the Church and undermine the efforts of recruiting more idiots.

So what do Scientologists actually believe? They believe:

• Mind-altering substances of any kind are prohibited, this includes alcohol and cigarettes. Note that Hubbard assisted his research (I can't imagine what he was actually doing that he called "research") by gorging on rum, uppers, and downers. Hubbard's assistant at the time wrote that he "was existing almost totally on a diet of drugs."
• Psychiatric and psychological treament is forbidden, and psychiatrists and psychologists are evil. I guess this is because Xen(m)u used psychiatrists to paralyze all the humans. What the fuck...
• The souls of humans are immortal. This is brilliant, I wonder if Hubbard had heard of other organized religions?
• People have lived many past lives and will live many future lives. Same point as above.
• A newcomer's mental readiness must be evaluated by a trained Scientologist and an E-Meter, which is the same device as I used in Intro to Electromagnetism in Sophomore year to measure the resistance across two battery nodes. This actually begins the brain-washing of the newcomers.
• Birth must be silent! That's right, no one can speak, because any words spoken at birth may be retained by the newborn baby (who by the way doesn't know any languages yet) and associated to his/her detriment later in life. Hmm....sounds like psychology to me Hubbard. Or maybe he just meant that trained psychologists are evil.
• Newborn babies must not be washed, but rather wrapped up tightly and left alone for an entire day. Read that again.
• Breastfeeding is prohibited! In supplement, Hubbard recommends a mixture of barley water, homogenized milk, and corn syrup or honey. Honey can cause infant botulism - nerve-blocking and respiratory and musculoskeletal paralysis. Of the mixture, Hubbard said he "picked it up in Roman days." Corn syrup, made from maize, was not present outside of the Americas until after colonization by Europeans began.
• Scientology is fully compatible with all religions. This is despite what we learned from the Xen(m)u incident I guess.
• "Fair Game." This idea was introduced by Hubbard, and incites Scientologists to use criminal behavior, deception and exploitation of the legal system to resist "Suppresive Persons", i.e. people or groups that "actively seeks to suppress or damage Scientology or a Scientologist by Suppressive Acts". He defined "Fair Game" as:
  "ENEMY — SP Order. Fair game. May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed."

Sadly, the last bullet is consistent with the Church's practice, being characterized by fighting numerous extremely long and costly legal battles, and even being implicated in the death of at least one Church member.

An evil psychiatrist and her helpless, misguided patient

I'm not even halfway through the material, but I think I've made my point:

If, by now, you are not convinced that Scientology's underlying principles may qualify not as a legitimate belief structure, but only as an honorable mention 5th grade science fiction contest entry, then I suggest you contact the Church and schedule an E-meter reading.

Summer Blockbusters

Very brief reviews of a couple of big movies I've seen in the past couple weeks:

Mission: Impossible 3



I thought this one was the best of the franchise (M:I2 was awful and the first was entertaining). Even though I hate Tom Cruise almost as much as cancer, I was impressed by the action scenes and the cast did a fine job as far as popcorn action movies go.

The Da Vinci Code



Not sure why all the critics hung this movie in their reviews. I found it suspenseful and adequately-acted, with some occasional cheesy dialogue and the sometimes overbearing soundtrack score being my only complaints. Ian McKellan was great, as usal. And how can you go wrong with Tom Hanks? As long as you don't look too critically into the story and take it for what it is, which is pure fiction, you'll enjoy this one.

The Walkmen perform at 9:30 Club

by The Monitors

I could have sworn I stood in the middle of a circle of people having a screaming contest with megaphones last night, but apparently I went to The Walkmen show at 9:30 Club in D.C.

There are two things that are initially striking about seeing this band live:
1. The lead singer is not the dark-haired moody that you picture from the albums but is a tall, blonde, Lacoste-wearing frat boy. He may as well be an SAE at Florida State.
2. They are LOUD.

The first item isn't too hard to get over, especially in comparison to discovering that the Caesars' bassist is about 60 years old. But the problem with The Walkmen live (and I've seen them twice) is that their sound is very disorganized. I like my music loud, but it seems like they fired their sound tech and turned every knob to 11.

What's great about their album tracks is that each song is carefully crafted, often very slowly building up emotional steam and growing louder and becoming unraveled as the song reaches climax. And the instruments are very well laid down, one doesn't drown out another, and it adds to the potential energy.

But this is entirely lost in the live show. There is no control of volume, nor control of vocals, and it really confuses the ear terribly. I don't think a live song should mimic the album, but this band's greatest strength is drowned in a poorly conceived stage show.

They must have played about 6 new songs, and since the album came out only 2 days earlier, few people would have a chance to hear it. We all heard them at the show, but I couldn't tell you which ones are winners because the sound was so cacaphonous.

To their credit, they delivered "The Rat," "Bows & Arrows," "Wake Up," and "Thinking of a Dream I Had" excellently, and it really got the crowd moving, including the requisite inhibitionless fist-pumping white guy with the crazy afro.

All in all, I give this show 3.0 stars out of 5.0, with Andrew W.K. being 5.0 and The Cardigans being 1.0.

Intellectual Steve pulls a fast one on the Borgata

So, last week Intellectual Steve and yours truly headed up to Atlantic City and the Borgata to play some poker. Steve had gotten a free room from the kind, altruistic folks at Boyd Gaming, and he asked me a couple weeks back if I was down for the trip. I'm not one to turn down a free room and a good time, so I was there with gambling bells on.

We set out from his cozy pad in Riverside, MD and drove confidently towards the sordid, putrid marshes of the shittiest state in the Union. We had delusions of turning a few hundred dollars into thousands with little effort and expense, and we hoped to catch a free comedy show in the process. The world was our little oyster, and the pearl inside had a big black "B" and the Ace of spades on it.

the Borgata has been literally built and paid for by misguided blackjack bets.

Little did we know that our dreams were to be shattered, and that we were in for a rude awakening.

The trip got started on the wrong foot when Steve made the executive decision to start off the night playing blackjack. Historically, this spells disaster for your two heroes, as previous trips have featured Steve playing solid while I play like a drunken donkey and piss away all my chips as soon as I lose a couple of hands. Milk (blackjack) was a bad choice!

I always tell myself that I should never play blackjack, but when a friend of mine plays and asks me to join, who am I to ruin the fun and say no? I agreed to play along, which oftentimes is little better than riding shotgun with a notorious drunk driver and offering to pour him shots of Jager to "take off the edge" while he speeds to the nearest bar that sells discount six-packs of Natty Bo before 2 AM closing time. Blackjack is an evil game, and Steve and I had no problem taking on the Devil of all gambling Hell. Despite my better judgement, I took a shot with the understanding I would quit as soon as I turned a $25 profit.

The blackjack devils immediately sent a crystal clear message to the protagonists of this little tale by bending Intellectual Steve over and taking hundreds of his hard-earned dollars. A clear and ominous sign was sent out within the first 5 minutes of ill-advised play when Steve split 8's twice and also doubled down one of the splits, sending out $80 of his red soldiers against the dealer's paltry 6. Tragically, the 6 turned into an ugly 20 and Steve was down in the hole. Having learned that hard way that I suck at the game big time, I continued to bet $10 a hand like a little girl, losing a little before making a comeback and turning a profit for the session.

this looked alot like me and Steve, except Steve had a look of horror on his face, we looked more distressed, and we didn't look anywhere near as flamingly gay.

I ended up cashing out up $25 as I promised myself. Steve did not fair quite so well, as he fired $100 bet salvos into the highly-oxygenated Borgata air only to bust like a Ben Affleck movie, or watch the dealer destroy his 20's with blackjacks and fuck up his double downs with bricks and sick 5-card 21's. I had seen this before, and I could feel his pain.

Steve was getting whored, so I suggested we play poker. He sheepishly obliged in order to get a change of pace and halt his profuse hemorrhaging of chips. We took seats at a $1/$2 no-limit table before I got beat badly in a hand to the tune of $100 (my AK vs AQ, and the douchebag with AQ hit a Q on the turn after we both flopped Aces) and demanded we move to a limit table (no limit is for pansies, I always say). Not even 5 minutes elapsed when Steve took out his cell phone, and stood up from the table.

Intellectual Steve: "Hey man, I'll be right back, I just need to make a quick phone call."

me: "Sure dude, I'll be right here."

Well, Steve was bluffing, as he never returned. The game broke, so I went straight up to the blackjack tables, where I assumed Steve must have returned to resume his sadistic thrashing. Lo and behold, he was firmly planted in a seat, with a pile of greens and a look of desperation in his eye. "Oh hey, are you still playing?" said a mildly uncomfortable Steve, who was sweating his hundred dollar bet and barely paying attention to my answer when I explained the game broke as a direct result of his absence from the table downstairs.

Steve continued to take a pummeling. He couldn't get a winner to save his life. After a table change in vain to change his fortunes resulted in more profit for the evil Borgata gaming conglomerate, Steve and I decided to lick our wounds by drinking at the bar and relaxing for a bit.

After all, drinking always makes things much better, right??

We looked to grab seats at the bar, where strategically placed video poker machines entice drinkers to gamble even more, as if losing the family mortgage at the craps tables weren't enough. These casino fuckers are relentless.

Luckliy for Steve and me, I had stumbled onto a little trick to use the casinos video poker machines against their nefarious masters. You see, the B Bar at the Borgata will give you free drinks as long as you are playing the retarded video poker at the bar. So, I discovered a system where you throw 5 bucks into the machine, and bet 25 cents a credit ONLY when the bartenders come up to you and ask you for your drink of choice. The goal is to refrain from gambling and losing any money in between drink orders. This way, you never have to pay the absurd $8 a beer or 20 fucking dollars for mixed drinks, or whatever those bastards charge us poor suckers. It's pure genius, and Steve and I have been using it abusing it as soon as we found out about the policy.

They might take hundreds from us at the blackjacks tables, but we're going to get drunk for free, bitches! It feels damn good to be cheap sometimes.

As soon as we arrived at the bar to implement our scheme, we discovered that the only two available 25 cent machines were broken, as a technician of some sort was opening the things up and repairing them. Both of us waited patiently until they were repaired, with Steve jumping on the first one while I waited for the second to be fixed.

It was here when Steve busted out a brilliant move from his gambling playbook.

Without hesitation, Steve took out a crisp 5 dollar bill and inserted it into the vacuum of a slot machine. He immediately hailed the services of one of the metrosexual bartenders and ordered one of the most expensive items one the drink menu, a tart but delicious glass of red wine, normally a whopping $15. Steve pretended to be feverishly playing the video poker to make sure the drink was free, and was doing a damn good acting job.

Despite his theatrics, Steve is still a true gambler. He was ready to win a few quarters while getting free shit, so he pressed the "Deal" button and was dealt four cards to a straight. Fucking fantastic!

Now, I had noticed that the machine was still acting funny, since the lights on it kept turning on and off, and the graphics kept resetting at odd times. We even had to give it a couple of love taps to make sure it was working properly.

"I don't know about this Steve, I'm not sure it's working, you don't want to lose your five bucks in the machine, you know they'll screw you over for it," I said, honestly not really caring if he lost that much.

Steve, however, did not give a rat's ass, and as soon as he had the chance, he drew one card to get his straight. His hand was K-Q-J-10-5, so he held everything but the five. We gazed intently into the machine while the computer distributed the card, dust and grime gleaming off the screen. The new card was an ugly 6. Steve had lost.

Just then, the machine lights turned off again, only this time the screen completely reset. Steve's remaining $4.75 in credits was nowhere to be found. It was gone, possibly forever.

It was our good fortune, however, that a casino floorlady happened to be overseeing the technician's repairs. I quickly told Steve to get with the program, pretend to be pissed as hell, and tell the floorperson that the malfunctioning machine had robbed and embezzled him of his $5. After the requisite verification and questioning, the casino rep filled out a form for the lost monies. Casino refunds are a big deal to the house, and casinos rarely give them out unless you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are owed money on account of incompetence by the casino.

suck it! Steve walked away with a cool 5 dollar bill, quite similar to the one pictured above.

The beauty of this whole play was that Steve had played a losing hand of video poker. He clearly had a busted straight. The last time I checked, 6-10-J-Q-K did not make any sort of legitimate straight in any English-speaking modern societies.

Calmly imbibing his glass of otherwise ridiculously expensive red wine, Steve thanked the floorlady as she apologized for the inconvenience and handed the con artist a brand new 5 dollar bill.

"Do you want to keep playing?" I asked the shady wine drinker.

"No - let's get the fuck out of here!" he retorted; he was already walking quickly for the exit as soon as he realized he had shafted the casino out of a glass of wine AND a whole quarter.

I had a huge smile on my face. Steve had just dumped hundreds playing a table game he could not walk away from. As soon as he got a few cents from the casino illegitimately, he was happy as a kid in a candy store. For a few moments, we were big winners in the casino that night. I'll never forget the day Steve took the Borgata down, even if it was just a moral victory.

Cheers, brother!

Blogger Shout Outs

Sorry for not updating sooner, but I've been busy with work and whatnot.

Just wanted to take some time to thank some bloggers who have frequented this site, all of whom have great blogs of their own.

Check them out:

Scatter o' Light

c loves her U2 and especially her Bono; to say she worships the humanitarian rock star might be an understatement.

She's turned me onto some good music with her many MP3 selections, and her love of soccer is much appreciated. In fact, I'll be doing a World Cup Blogger Pool which she is running, and we're going to try to get other people to join in. Definitely stop by Scatter and check out c's musings.

Mars Needs Guitars

merz contributes every so often here, and his blog is as good as it gets for MP3's. His blog is one of my favorites, and I recommend it for any rock fan looking for new bands to get into.

He'll be making another post soon, so look out for that.

Meandering Endlessly

Whitney showcases his highly sarcastic sense of humor on this hilarious blog. A contributor to this blog, Whitney likes to keep his own a little more private, but I still like trying to send more readers his way. He's an underappreciated source of comedy. His posts on David Williams' adventures in porn and a thesis on the merits of a couple of poker hotties are classics. I always look forward to reading his stuff and I hope he posts another rant soon.

Wallycrawler

Wallycrawler is one funny dude.

From his lofty perch in Canada, he basically makes fun of celebrities and George W. Bush with wreckless abandon. His hatred of Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology is something we can all celebrate.

The man has a talent for sarcastically ripping apart his subject matter, and it's a pleasure to check out his posts because I know I'm going to laugh at the expense of all the idiots in our entertainment culture that he blasts.He also appreciates hotties like Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. It's truly been an honor to have Wally stop by here on occasion, and I consider him a blogging brotha.

Highly recommended, although sometimes a nipple or two from Paris Hilton will make an appearance, so beware at work.

Quest of Closet Poker Player

cc has quite an interesting blog which details his poker exploits as a working man with a wife and three kids. He's interviewed a few pros for Poker Works, including a couple of guys I have played with, and he has a few tournament personalities lined up for future interviews. A great read for anyone who wants the perspective of a player trying to get better at a difficult game, balancing a time-consuming passion with the demands of a career and raising a family.

Craig is a class act, and I'm looking forward to getting a book (Positively Fifth Street by Jim McManus) he was kind enough to give away on his blog as part of a recent giveway.

other high quality blogs...

Rock 'n' Roll Star

Steve is an ultra-cool blogger who covers great bands and shows, and his site is one of my favorites to check out when I need my rock fix. He has great taste in music, and he manages to cover some really money shows.

Music Glob

Dan runs an awesome blog, and he also covers some of the most exciting bands out there. As far as rock music goes, this is one of the best I have seen for CD and concert reviews; honestly, I wish my own was as good as his.

Thank God: possible end to Sum 41??; Hot Chicks With D-Bags

Guitarist Departs Awful Band

From Rolling Stone...

Sum 41 Guitarist Quits the Band

SUM 41 guitarist DAVE BAKSH has left the band to concentrate on his own metal band, BROWN BRIGADE. According to a statement on the band's Web site, the split was friendly and came as no shock to the other members. "The fact is Dave lost interest a long time ago," wrote frontman DERYCK WHIBLEY. Whibley maintains that Baksh has not participated creatively for some time and that his departure will have little effect on the group, who are currently in the midst of recording the follow-up to their 2004 gold album, Chuck.

I can't blame this guy for "losing interest a long time ago." Sum 41 SUCKS. This is potentially great news for all lovers of good music. Hopefully this catastrophic loss will lead to the necessary breakup of a shitty band.

By the way, I can't wait to hear Dave's new band Brown Brigade! Wait, I'm kidding - I won't pay ANY attention whatsoever, Brown Brigade can go fuck themselves.

I will soon be adding Sum 41 to my list of Bands I Hate With an Unnatural Disdain.

Hot Chicks With Douchebags

Keeping the focus squarely upon d-bags, c recently brought to my attention a stellar blog featuring hot chicks with douchebags. It is quite creatively titled Hot Chicks With Douchebags.

A preview from it is on the right (hottie Yasmine Bleeth featured).

The author has great taste when it comes to identifying his subject matter... it's hilarious, and definitely worth a look.

Tool and Pearl Jam top the charts

Tool have the #1 selling record (10,000 Days) in the United States, and Pearl Jam's self-titled record follows with the #2 spot on the Billboard Charts.

Tool's first week sales of 564,000 copies is astonishing given the band's extreme lack of exposure on radio, television, and print media.

Long live rock.

new Muse - "Supermassive Black Hole" MP3

Muse rocks.

Their newest song is called "Supermassive Black Hole". It features a slight techno-ish sound with the drums, but it's still good Muse nevertheless. I dig it, and I'm looking forward to more from the new record.

MP3: Muse - "Supermassive Black Hole"

the Official Muse Site

For those unfamiliar with Muse, they are a fantastic mix of Radiohead, Nirvana, the Pixies, and Rage Against the Machine (without the rapping).

Their new album is entitled Black Holes and Revelations, due July 3rd.

Hope you like it.

PokerStars Tourney

I have registered to play in
the PokerStars World
Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas
Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code:
7330476