Originally published October 2005
So I've been watching some horror recently, from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original and the remake, starring Jessica Biel), to Rosemary's Baby, to The Amityville Horror (both the original and the remake). I've always been fascinated by the supernatural, and I enjoy finding great horror movies even though I haven't really seen too many flicks that truly scared me (the original Exorcist comes close).
The story of the Amityville house (pictured left) that the movies are based upon is an exceedingly creepy tale.
An Amityville house website
I've been thinking about how much fun (or how intensely scary) it would be to spend the night in a haunted/ possessed house like the one in Amityville. Being a believer in demons as agents of the devil, I would like the chance to see what goes on for myself.
But, I'm far too much of a pansy.
So, I figure if I ever go to a house, I would spend the night with a sizable entourage (great show by the way). The members of this Crazy Crew would be carefully selected by yours truly. I would take 6 groups of two individuals each, for a grand total of 13 people including myself. Here are my selections:
2 Paranormal Investigators These would be Ed and Lorraine Warren, the famous investigators who have decades of experience with exorcisms, hauntings, and paranormal phenomena. They're sort of like the Mulder and Scully of real life, except they're married and their roles are sort of reversed. The Warren's stories are terribly intriguing, and I'm sure the old couple would have a calming effect on me, even if, in reality, they happen to be complete cooks and phonies. The fact they've already been in the Amityville house would call for bonus points, so they are an indispensable pair on my list.
2 Roman Catholic Priests
These would be the old-school badass kind of priests, not the ones that fondle 7-year-old boys. They would be highly trained in the rites of exorcism; one priest would be in his late 50's and would have a weakness for a good glass of scotch. The other would be in his mid-30's and a huge football and baseball fan. The older one would quietly refer to his numerous battles with demons as difficult but necessary, while the younger one would constantly say how "we always make Satan our bitch" and that "Lucifer was clearly behind the Curse of the Bambino," but that "the Boston Red Sox suck, too."
One would be a 45-year-old male general surgeon with an M.D. from Johns Hopkins, Duke, Stanford, or any of the top Ivy League Medical Schools. This guy would also have played Division I basketball as a 6'2, 215-pound wing as an undergrad, walking onto the team but getting significant minutes by the time he was a junior. This would give us an extra able-bodied guy if a situation calling for drastic measures were to arise.
The other doctor would be a pretty female 30-year-old blonde psychiatrist with an M.D. from either the University of Virginia, University of North Carolina - Chapel Hill, or University of California - Los Angeles. She would have paid her way through medical school by doing tasteful cover shoots for fashion magazines, in addition to writing reviews for a mildly successful rock publication not unlike Spin. She would be the middle child of a family of 8, losing her dad at a relatively young age in a tragic seawreck (her father died while heroically rescuing his family from the wreckage of a sinking battleship). She'd be sweet but cool under pressure, serving as a nice complementary player to the entourage.
Obviously these doctors would come in handy in case of any physical or psychological maladies, and the more intelligent people with me, the better.
This is a really tough call. I would have to go with Will Ferrell and Dave Chappelle. If things get hairy inside the Amityville house, I still want to be able to have a chance to laugh once in a while. Plus, if both of those guys lose it, then I won't feel as bad when I pee my pants after seeing the Anti-Christ.
2 Super-Hotties/ Models
If I wind up having to come to terms with the fact my life could be ending at the hands of Beelzebub, I might as well try and hit up the two smoking hotties that will have to accompany my crew on the haunted trip. These two honey babies, right now, would have to be Jessica Alba and Dagmara Dominczyk.
Alba is just ridiculously hot, and she strikes me as a pretty cool chick. Meanwhile, Dagmara is amazingly gorgeous to the point that any guy in her presence would zone out and start drooling uncontrollably (she played Mercedes in The Count of Monte Cristo and was in a John Mayer video, among other things).
Even if it doesn't look like I might die, at least I'll have them constantly distracting me from Lucifer's evil forces.
2 Well-Rounded Scholar-Athletes
These guys would be two males, most likely an astronaut who played football at Yale before getting his Masters in Quantum Physics, and the other a genius Harvard dropout who found his way onto the elite Delta Force black ops of the United States armed forces (the dudes that can kill 50 armed men with only a fig and a toothbrush at their disposal). The Harvard/Yale rivalry would occasionally be a source for half-assed debate and shit-talking, that is until the Delta Force guy would stop caring because he dropped out of Harvard anyway. That, and the fact he could still kick everyone's ass.
With various practical and highly-specialized skills (one was the son of a mechanic while the other was a general contractor during his high school summers) available to them, these guys would be the glue of the team. Also having great taste in movies and music, these two will always have something interesting to say, and they'll never feel awkward when the doctors or the priests start talking about their professions. They could be a threat to boink the hotties, but I'm willing to take one for the team. If they get out of hand, I'll kick them out anyway, because I'm the fucking brains behind this operation anyway, so why don't you cry about it?
I'm fairly satisfied with my Amityville Team, and I'd be willing to go to war with them any night of the week.