Monday, March 06, 2006

Bands I Hate With an Unnatural Disdain

by F.J. Delgado

Let's get something straight here: I don't love every rock and roll band that has experienced success and that has talent. Quite the contrary; I actually think most rock music I listen to sucks big time.

I happen to review a bunch of albums on this site because it's what I know, and because I like it. But, I need to be a fair critic, and I don't want to look like a pushover. Sometimes I honestly wish that all the guys in these horrible bands would do us all a favor and pull a Kurt Cobain on themselves... then, somehow bring Kurt back from the dead, because his band really did fucking rock.

Or, at least, I wish these bands would just stop recording and go back to their previous jobs as porn store peep show jizz-moppers or broke ass skateboarders (no offense to skateboarders, I'm trying hard not to offend too many people here, just because I hate these bands with a passion doesn't mean I have to go out there and offend innocent bystanders).

All of the bands I hate get NO stars, and I promise to try and punch them in the nose if I ever meet them for ruining rock and roll and forcing my lazy ass to change the radio station whenever their shitty songs are played.

So I present you with a list of bands that really make my blood boil... Enjoy!!!

Creed
- their first album was pretty fucking sweet, then Scott Stapp went insane and it became obvious that their principle song writers were mildly retarded and could only use a grande total of three power chords...

dude in Creed: "Hey! How about we have a part after the badass guitar solo where the song gets really quiet and where in the video Scott is on top of a mythical landmark singing his heart out, then we bust back into the chorus really fucking loud!

rest of band: "Yeah that would fucking rock, dude!!!"

Scott Stapp (barely coherent due to his hangover caused by drinking 5 handles of cheap vodka the night before): "Whatever guys, as long as it has a fundamentalist Christian message, I have a leather jacket on in the video, and it really sucks, I'll sign off on it. Where the fuck did I put my flask??"

Linkin Park

- I can't wait until a tragic bus accident derails their recording career. I hear that the guys in the band are actually nice, but I don't give a rat's ass. Go the fuck away!

Good Charlotte

- These guys are a fucking disgrace to real punk rock. They also are an embarrassment to their home state of Maryland, and they will probably be dead broke in 8 months. Good riddance.

the Click 5

- I sure hope these guys are getting plenty of ass from impressionable 18 year-old girls, because in about 2 years these dudes will be back at the local Walmart greeting Grandma Smith after a depressed night of drinking and reminiscing about the good old days when they were in that awful band that actually made people pay money for utter crap.

Nickelback

- Sometimes I can't tell if Chad Kroeger is laughing all the way to the bank, or if, in reality, he's a cool dude and he's just enjoying the ride, banging hot broads, and drinking himself silly. I'm not quite sure, but his band definitely blows hard and makes ridiculously cheesy videos.

Limp Bizkit

Don't even get me started. Go fuck yourself, Fred Durst. Hope you enjoyed banging Britney Spears and that you picked up chlamydia when you did.

Korn

- I hated these guys from the beginning. Their freak lead singer is probably a pansy who got molested by his stepdad and then decided to mask his insecurity by dressing up all weird and projecting his inner disturbances in the form of the goth-nu metal look which almost no one thinks is cool in any way whatsoever.

Five for Fighting

- Sensitive music for pussies.

Barenaked Ladies

- Alright, I have to admit, I used to like these guys... then they decided to really suck and I disowned them as a cool band. They are now widely celebrated by people with really bad taste in music.

Godsmack

- I really wish God would just get it over with and follow through on the band name and send these bastards straight to Hell. Their music is painfully unoriginal, and this is coming from a guy that will be the first to admit to you that all rock and roll these days is pretty much painfully unoriginal. I liked your guys' band the first time I heard it, when you dudes were called Stone Temple Pilots. Wait... that's not you guys? You just wish you could hold a candle to STP?? Stop making music and get the fuck out of here.

Train

- See Five for Fighting.


I'll be back with more soon, including a brutal, savage write-up about Maroon 5!

8 comments:

wallycrawler said...

I agree with everyone of your picks . I hate that Scott [Jock Strap]Stapp ! What a fuck'n asshole he gets arrested on his honeymoon , then he goes nuts cause Howard Stern makes fun of him . What a total dick ! Nirvana wanna-bez .I hate Creed !

The rest are just shit . My daughter kind'a likes Nickelback , see's 9 .

WK said...

linkin park is considered rock?
I enjoy linkin park

F.J. Delgado said...

hey whitstick...

yes... linkin park is considered rock. awful, shitty rock.

ThrillHouse said...

haha yesaaaaaaaaaa. I was thinking, 'where is Maroon 5?' the whole time I was reading this post. I would rather listen to David Lee Roth pretend to be a disk jockey for six hours.

supergurg said...

hehe great list!

eddie willers said...

how could you omit from your shit list the truly crappiest, most talent-deficient, banal, insult to Rock there is out there: HOOBASTANK.
NO, THE "SOARING VOCALS" AREN'T COOL, THEY ARE HEADACHE MAKERS. DID YOU BUY THAT GRAPHIC HARMONIZER FORM FAITH NO MORE? HOOBASTANK (AND WHAT THE F*** NAME IS THAT FOR A BAND?)EVEN MAKES THEM SOUND COOL. EVER HEAR OF A GUITAR SOLO? A DRUM SOLO? THE THINGS THAT MADE ROCK GREAT, BACK WHEN TALENT MATTERED.
HOW MANY REALLY TALENTED BANDS AREN'T GETTING SIGNED TODAY BECAUSE P.O.S. BANDS LIKE HOOBASTANK GET THE GIG?
F*** YOU TO THE FANS OF HOOBASTANK, AND ALL THE HOOBASTANK CLONE BANDS OUT THERE FOR MAKING A 3RD RATE GARAGE BAND THE NEW STANDARD OF WHAT USED TO BE CALLED ROCK.
YOU A-HOLES.
eddie willers

Alex said...

Actually, I didn't even know Linkin Park was considered music. Huh.

Still, I have to disagree with your childlike, overly opinionated writing style. You want to back up some of those arguments?

Oh, wait, comment moderation on. Ha. As if you would let anyone see that someone out there is more mature than you are.

Henry Jacobs said...

I don't understand why Nickelback and Godsmack are on here. I agree with everything else. How is Godsmack unoriginal? I strongly encourage you to read sully erna's book, The Paths We Choose. Its pretty eye opening.