Bands I Hate With an Unnatural Disdain

by F.J. Delgado

Let's get something straight here: I don't love every rock and roll band that has experienced success and that has talent. Quite the contrary; I actually think most rock music I listen to sucks big time.

I happen to review a bunch of albums on this site because it's what I know, and because I like it. But, I need to be a fair critic, and I don't want to look like a pushover. Sometimes I honestly wish that all the guys in these horrible bands would do us all a favor and pull a Kurt Cobain on themselves... then, somehow bring Kurt back from the dead, because his band really did fucking rock.

Or, at least, I wish these bands would just stop recording and go back to their previous jobs as porn store peep show jizz-moppers or broke ass skateboarders (no offense to skateboarders, I'm trying hard not to offend too many people here, just because I hate these bands with a passion doesn't mean I have to go out there and offend innocent bystanders).

All of the bands I hate get NO stars, and I promise to try and punch them in the nose if I ever meet them for ruining rock and roll and forcing my lazy ass to change the radio station whenever their shitty songs are played.

So I present you with a list of bands that really make my blood boil... Enjoy!!!

Creed
- their first album was pretty fucking sweet, then Scott Stapp went insane and it became obvious that their principle song writers were mildly retarded and could only use a grande total of three power chords...

dude in Creed: "Hey! How about we have a part after the badass guitar solo where the song gets really quiet and where in the video Scott is on top of a mythical landmark singing his heart out, then we bust back into the chorus really fucking loud!

rest of band: "Yeah that would fucking rock, dude!!!"

Scott Stapp (barely coherent due to his hangover caused by drinking 5 handles of cheap vodka the night before): "Whatever guys, as long as it has a fundamentalist Christian message, I have a leather jacket on in the video, and it really sucks, I'll sign off on it. Where the fuck did I put my flask??"

Linkin Park

- I can't wait until a tragic bus accident derails their recording career. I hear that the guys in the band are actually nice, but I don't give a rat's ass. Go the fuck away!

Good Charlotte

- These guys are a fucking disgrace to real punk rock. They also are an embarrassment to their home state of Maryland, and they will probably be dead broke in 8 months. Good riddance.

the Click 5

- I sure hope these guys are getting plenty of ass from impressionable 18 year-old girls, because in about 2 years these dudes will be back at the local Walmart greeting Grandma Smith after a depressed night of drinking and reminiscing about the good old days when they were in that awful band that actually made people pay money for utter crap.

Nickelback

- Sometimes I can't tell if Chad Kroeger is laughing all the way to the bank, or if, in reality, he's a cool dude and he's just enjoying the ride, banging hot broads, and drinking himself silly. I'm not quite sure, but his band definitely blows hard and makes ridiculously cheesy videos.

Limp Bizkit

Don't even get me started. Go fuck yourself, Fred Durst. Hope you enjoyed banging Britney Spears and that you picked up chlamydia when you did.

Korn

- I hated these guys from the beginning. Their freak lead singer is probably a pansy who got molested by his stepdad and then decided to mask his insecurity by dressing up all weird and projecting his inner disturbances in the form of the goth-nu metal look which almost no one thinks is cool in any way whatsoever.

Five for Fighting

- Sensitive music for pussies.

Barenaked Ladies

- Alright, I have to admit, I used to like these guys... then they decided to really suck and I disowned them as a cool band. They are now widely celebrated by people with really bad taste in music.

Godsmack

- I really wish God would just get it over with and follow through on the band name and send these bastards straight to Hell. Their music is painfully unoriginal, and this is coming from a guy that will be the first to admit to you that all rock and roll these days is pretty much painfully unoriginal. I liked your guys' band the first time I heard it, when you dudes were called Stone Temple Pilots. Wait... that's not you guys? You just wish you could hold a candle to STP?? Stop making music and get the fuck out of here.

Train

- See Five for Fighting.


I'll be back with more soon, including a brutal, savage write-up about Maroon 5!