Friday, April 21, 2006

A Litigious Proposal

by The Monitors

originally posted a couple months ago...

So I've been sick the past two days, and being sick, like any red-blooded American, I've been taking advantage of this rare opportunity to take over-the-counter pick-me-ups and slooow-me-downs to "relieve my symptoms." Sudafed LiquiCaps (non-drowsy), NyQuil, Robitussin lozenges, Halls Vapor Relief, Zinc lozenges, Tylenol, Advil, Trademark after motherfucking TM ... I am juiced. Needless to say my trip to Safeway a block away earlier today nearly ended in content resignation.

Anyway, this strangely altered state of mind has afforded me a comfortable glimpse into my meandering psyche, or "train of thought" or "stream of consciousness" depending on whether you are a rivertboat driver or train conductor, I guess.

My mind's usually pretty random anyway, often imagining something like the effects of a terrorist Jello bomb (cherry-flavored) in downtown DC during an August evening rush hour, or likewise.

Well this evening in communique via cellular handset with a friend I used to work with who became an intellectual property attorney (read: patent lawyer), "we" were coming up with ways to make money quickly and without any effort; you know, the welfare lottery approach. I used
"we" in quotes because as a patent lawyer he need not worry about the usual trappings of modern capitalism and economics.

Speedily forgetting our conversation, I began to think of fun ways to annoy people, lots of people. Eventually I landed on concocting thousands of court-issued subpoenas to individuals I'd never met, being good for a laugh, because folk tend to react badly to unexpected litigious intervention.

Then it hit me. Chain letters. Rather than spending hours of my precious time typing up thousands of fake subpoenas, I would mail just 10 originals stating that "if you serve this court-ordered subpoena on 7 of your friends, the charges against you will be dropped." And to help things along, in each envelope I'll enclose handy postage-paid envelopes with letterhead saying "YOU GOT SERVED!"

Problem solved, AND I've now created a self-perpetuating process of limitless proportions! Not only have I pointlessly brought back the rightfully dead tradition of chain letters, but I've also fiendishly woven a sick modern satire into it! And the true beauty, from my personal perspective, is that I'm untraceable!



Drew said...

As your attorney, I would have to charge you hundreds of dollars just to tell you what laws you would be breaking by doing this. Obviously you will spend time in federal prison for mail fraud.

Actually I think your accounts of federal prison life would be pretty funny. I'd like to read the Monitors updates on your new relationship with "Bubba."

The Monitors said...

I already have an attorney, Drew. He advised me to drive at top speed to Vegas and it'll be a goddamn miracle if we get to the hotel in time to check into our suite.

Any Fear & Loathing reference I can fit in I will try.

F.J. Delgado said...

i think i'm still feeling the contact high from watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas what must have been 8 years ago in the theaters...