Brooks

After watching Jason Lee (of Kevin Smith movies and My Name is Earl fame) on Conan O'Brien a few months ago, and thinking about how ridiculous naming your son "Pilot Inspektor", which is precisely what Lee did, I thought about appropriate names for my theoretical sons and daughters.

Obviously, emphasis should be placed on theoretical, but if I can't find a girl dumb enough to marry me in this country, then I will simply start a search in Latin America or enlist the services of one of those mail order bride companies that will acquire me a wife from the Ukraine or Russia. So if it's up to me, then yes, the Delgado family name will persist on the East Coast even if the rest of my brothers fail in the task.

I've favored naming my progeny after influential figures in history, preferably kings and queens of the great maritime nation-states during the 15th, 16th, and 17th centuries.

That's why I've always loved the name Isabella.

Besides being a pretty name for a girl, Queen Isabella I of Spain was a money monarch. Also known as Isabella the Catholic, she and King Ferdinand II were responsible for the Inquisition and for commissioning Christopher Columbus' voyage to the New World in 1492.

Side note: I've always disliked how history has anglicanized Ferdinand's name, which is actually Fernando in Spanish. Something tells me that I have the French to blame for this.

Either way, aside from the negative repercussions of the otherwise earth-shattering developments (the extermination of Muslims and Jews from Spain, leading to the destruction of the Spanish middle class and crippling Spain's economy, and the ravaging of Native American Indians at the hands of subsequent exploration and colonial settlement), Isabella was known as a patron of scholars and artists, and she made sure that her sons and daughters were well-educated. She was also an advocate for the rights of Indian slaves from the New World, as she freed many who were returned to Spain, demanding fair and just treatment of them.

So, it's pretty much set in stone that my first daughter will be named Isabella.

What about my sons?

God knows that I have been wishing for a large, male-dominated family ever since I was a toddler. I have the answer: my first born son will probably be named Fernando after my father, but my second son will definitely be named Brooks.

I frequently joke that I would love to have 10 children; the frightening reality is that, if I get married and live to the average age of 70-something, I will most likely come close to that number. Coming from a family of 9, and as the eldest child, I'm more than used to complete chaos and noise being a part of my everyday life. And the truth is, I like it now. Not only because I'm conditioned to have it contstantly a part of the periphery, but also because all the clamor and shrieks, the breaking glass and ceramics, the bickering and quibbling, represents my growing siblings - both in sheer number and size.

And I definitely love my comically large family, quirks and all - from my oldest brother and sister who have entered adult-hood a short time after myself, to my teenage brother living his moody but fun high school days, to my adorable 5-year-old "baby" sister who, despite her sweetness, can feature a bossy and catty attitude that every female in history has unleashed onto unsuspecting fathers, brothers, boyfriends and husbands since cavemen roamed the earth. And, I love the gender breakdown between the Delgado clan: 5 brothers and two sisters. I've always thought that a surplus of testosterone is preferable to a surplus of estrogen in a family, and nothing will change my mind on that.


All the brothers can protect their little sisters, administering savage beatings to any out-of-line miscreants who treat the ladies with a lack of respect. Don't get me wrong, I respect families that have 5 daughters and no sons, but I truly feel bad for those poor dads.

No man who really commits himself to a family should go through life without having a son he can play catch with as a child or go to a ballgame and have a beer with as men. At least without trying hard to have that first son. And for those fathers who try and nature just doesn't let it happen, well, that's a shame.

So, in the spirit of optimism, I will be naming my second son Brooks. After Brooks Robinson. Now, I normally would never name a son after an athlete, but this would be a big exception. In this case, it would be the best sport, baseball, and it would be the best third-baseman to ever play the game - Robinson.

Adding to the fact he was a key member of two World Championship Baltimore Orioles teams, and that he was an exemplery role model, well, for me the choice is easy. Not to mention that "Brooks" is just a fucking cool name. It's almost like kids named Brooks realize they have a cool name and act appropriately, or that people they meet know Brooks is a cool name and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Brooks Delgado. Awesome name.

The easy part is already taken care of, now I just need to find that gullible girl.