Courtesy of the Towson Times crime log section, these entries are verbatim as they appeared in the October 12, 2005 edition. The sad thing is that all of these crimes happened within 5 miles of my house, which is near many neighborhoods which are considered to be among the nicest in Baltimore County.
Many of these are funny in a sinister way, and others are just downright scary. My comments are in italics. Enjoy!
Cranbrook Road, 500 block, Provident Bank, 2:55 p.m. Oct. 7. A man entered the bank and announced his intention of robbing it. He punched and (sic) employee in the face, demanded keys to the safe, then forced the employee to open the safe. The robber then fled with cash.
- This man apparently meant business. I can jog from my house to this branch in 10 minutes, and I made a deposit there recently.
Aylesbury Road, first block, 10:30 a.m. Oct. 5. Two women got into an argument as they were leaving a methadone clinic and one stabbed the other in the arm with a steak knife.
- Methodone clinics are for heroine addicts attempting to detox. Jesus... stay classy, psychotic bitches!
York Road, 200 block, KFC, 8:55 p.m. Oct. 9. Two men entered the fast food restaurant just before closing. One of the robbers forced employees into the office at gunpoint while the other tried to force the manager to open the safe. When the robbers realized the safe could not be opened, they took cash from the register drawer and the manager's pockets and fled in a black sedan.
- Many a sociology class would be halted by the fury of debate over the ethnicity of the perpetrators in question. At least these imbeciles, in an attempt to salvage their trip, made the last-second executive decision to go the old-fashioned way and rob the register.
And the "Dumbasses of the Week" Award goes to...
Stevenson Lane, 1100 block, 8:55 p.m. Oct. 5. Two juveniles were arrested after police investigated a single-car crash and determined the car was stolen. The two suspects were apprehended as they were walking away from the accident.
- Fucking moron juvenile delinquents.
York Road, 400 block, Towson Commons, 12:20 a.m. Oct. 3. A verbal dispute that started during a movie spilled out into the street afterwards. Two men attacked two other men and slashed them in the legs and arms with knives then fled on foot.
- How fitting that I saw A History of Violence at this very theater just last week.